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Another from Alphawomen

  • May. 5th, 2008 at 12:29 AM

The question is: When is a relationship too much work?

Freda:
When you make it too much work!

Like the famous lyrics belted out by 38 Special, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go, if you cling to tightly babe.......your gonna loose control."

At first blush, one would want to accumulate all the evidence to support their rant of how much they are giving and how little they are receiving.

Bare with me as I approach this question from a different angel. We already know many of the telltale signs of a failing or failed relationship. So, it is really unnecessary to rehash them here. Rather I would like to suggest that far to often to many people spend way to much time focusing on the 800 pound gorilla or the 1000 pound pink elephant in the room that is creating a massive wedge with the one person that you found interesting enough to invest a considerable amount of time, love, life and money into.

Yes, I agree with you completely, there are those insecure women AND men that just nag and nag and nag and nag and they will read this and it will go in one ear and out the other because there is NOTHING in between. Yet, there are many couples who throw in the towel because they end up placing to much focus on the gorilla. It is a human tendency to get STUCK when someone disagrees with us or angers us or doesn't hold the same belief as us to wipe them out with a semi-automatic in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

My suggestion before you pull the plug on the relationship is to back off a little and see if the other doesn't come around. Get busy with your own life, get a hobby, join a health club, volunteer, take up golfing and get interesting again. People generally don't want the same 'ole, same 'ole. Have you put on weight? When is the last time you have taken care of yourself? What are YOU doing that YOU like that doesn't involve the other person? Curiosity of your new ventures alone will make the other person miraculously start to wonder what you are up to. Try that for a few weeks.

Fighting is good. I am all about having a good knock down drag out fight. It is what I am used to. Dirty laundry is aired, things that need to be said are said, and you know what the other person is feeling. I can't stand people who are passive fighters. People who run from any form of conflict and play the avoidance game. I am not frightened when someone I love is angered and are not afraid to express their feelings within reason. HOWEVER, that isn't something that happens frequently. It takes a lot to make me angry and when I get angry, you bet your ass you are going to get a piece of my mind. I can't be with someone who is afraid of that.

Some people don't fight, some people compromise and other's are volatile. Oddly enough, ALL three of these scenarios work for different relationships, as long as the positives outweigh the negatives "5 to 1," as John Gottman and Nan Silver found out in their study. A relationship is headed for destruction when the ratio of negativity steadily increases and the good will and positivity towards one another dissipates.

I am certainly not an expert, but I do know a thing or two about the human psyche, often times we focus on the "issues" and that is where our mind dwells. We become dwellers which is all consuming. Is it over? Isn't it over? Does he love me? Does she love me? And because it is equivalent to having a constant monkey on your back, what inevitably happens is that you end up bringing the worst out in each other.

Many times the world doesn't revolve around us and people just need space to breath. Again, I say distracting yourself and preoccupying your thoughts might be a good solution to the 800 pound gorilla in the room. If you focus on your problems you will become and expert at your problems. With anything in life, distraction is a powerful tool and I use it often in my life. It is a very healthy tool that we all could use more frequently.

Let go. Whatever is meant to be will be. That is the best advice that I can give you and that I practice myself. Let go. Move on, do something exciting, meet new people, join a new gym, meet new people, forge new bonds. Shifting focus from the problems and refocusing your attention onto other activities might be exactly all that needs to be done to restore the positive mood in the relationship because the focus has been removed off of the target and the relationship has room to breathe.

A very good friend of mine told me to "expect nothing from anyone and just let things fall where they may." It relieves an intense burden off of yourself and other people. You no longer have to compare notes, pressure will be instantly removed from the relationship allowing good feelings to return.

Life sometimes is about ignoring the elephant in the room and as quick as the elephant appeared, mysteriously the elephant will disappear on its own - more often than not.

The problem comes when the elephant in the room becomes the focus and ends up consuming the conversation, squelching any good will and feelings. From a woman's perspective, we women almost ALWAYS spend our lives focusing on the elephant. Don't do it! It is exasperating and a waste of life.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but think on it!

Marry him!!

  • May. 5th, 2008 at 12:15 AM

This was taken from Alphawomen.com
I found this very insightful and thought this is a great place to post it.
!~Holly~!

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Unlike a thirty minute Sex and the City episode, my heart takes much longer to mend. I am angry, I am mad, I am sad and the conclusion I have come to is that I really liked him. I want to rewind that entire conversation, the weekend, the girlfriend, the insecurities and just go back. But, I realize that would be asking to much and it would be me being blind to some pretty significant flaws.

Which got me thinking, am I expecting perfection? A dream man is just that, he is a figment of our imagination that we have made up. NO ONE is perfect, no one comes with out some sort of baggage. I have spent the past few days ranting and raving and today I think I am finally coming out on the other side. I was eating lunch when I ran into a girl who was in a wheelchair and from what I could tell she was paralyzed from the waste down and here I am bitching about some dumb dumb. Things really could be much worse and although in my heart they feel pretty down right bad, tomorrow I will still have the luxury of walking.

This morning I met a gentleman in the elevator and usually I keep to myself because I am self absorbed and thinking about my day or just pondering (or having vivid images of the guy and his ex romping around in the bed). This morning I came upon an opportunity and I braved up and said hello and asked if it was raining. An opportunity because the previous night I was chatting with my girlfriend about the new requirements I was looking for in a guy. This guy fit them. LOL And I wanted to see if my theory is correct, so I went out on a limb and took a leap. We ended up striking up a brief conversation and it was nice. He seemed interesting enough to talk to again. I am getting the knack of this. WHY NOT!

At that moment or maybe it has been my entire life, I realized that I don't believe anymore that there is ONE person for every person. I believe that there are many people who we can connect with if we choose to. To limit ourselves to a bunch of "feelings" and label that love only backs us into a corner with very few options and a feeling of helplessness and staying committed to otherwise destructive relationships. I think if we spend enough time with someone long enough we can pretty much fall in love with anyone. Terrible isn't it. Shocking! Goes against all the Hollywood love plots and attempts to brain wash society. Oh FREDA! How could you stoop so low as to forsake the idea of "TRUE LOVE?!"

I even think Psychology Today has an article about that very subject. At first, I completely rejected the notion that I could possibly be capable of falling in love with some guy if I was thrown in a room long enough with him, and then I turned thirty-five. HAHAHAHA. No really, something about getting older really makes you realize that you have a TIME LIMIT on your life. There is no such thing as eternity this side of heaven. We are all going to die and as you get older you start to realize or I realized that I don't want to die alone! That is a real eye opener. I am realizing that there is no "Mr. Right," there is no "Mr. Big," yes they exist but only for a brief moment, then you WAKE UP. Hell, look at all the affairs people are having. IS THAT LOVE? I doubt it. Is it something you can build a sustainable, lasting relationship on? Only time will tell.

Over and over again I listen to so many women who have had an affair or are coming out of an affair and asked them how they felt going into it as opposed to how they feel now. They all say the same thing, they all have the same story, and it sounds as if we all were dating the same married man! It isn't love and it is only now that they get that.

there are probably as many women having affairs as there are men. Did these women settle or were they moved by deep feelings of love for their significant other at one time? I am curious to know the amount of women who settled as opposed to the ones who married the "love" of their life and which ones are still hanging in with each other today, without affairs or are still together INSPITE of an affair because it was an awakening.

I recently read a very well written article by Lori Gottlieb from TheAtlantic.com called Marry Him! and Lori vehemently argues a profound argument about why women should consider settling. Yes, you read it correctly, why women are better off settling. After reading the article, I got it. I got her message and it made sense.

For now, I am going to leave you with that oh so controversial thought that goes against everything society teaches us women about "having it all" and "holding out for Mr. Right," yet even our own mothers remind us "not to be so picky dear!" So be on the look out for my post on this subject. I find myself embracing some of her thoughts.

Is it truly better to live a life alone and to hold out for something that doesn't exist or to be with a man that has faults, is not perfect but would make a good father and provider? I don't know, but I will tell you sometime over the weekend what my conclusion is.

Am I better off today as a single thirty-five year old woman/mother than if I would have just stayed with my husband sixteen years ago? Maybe, maybe not, I will let you know.

Maybe even you are asking yourself some of these same questions as you look back over your life at all the men you have thrown by the way side for one reason or another. I don't know, but we will figure this out together.

Maybe, just maybe, we need to give each other permission to settle for some of these otherwise good guys. Maybe!?


The days are long
The nights are even longer
As I lie here
just staring at the ceiling
I wonder what you are doing
Are you doing the same?
Are you thinking of me?
You are probably busy
I know it wont be much longer
Till we are together again
Each day that goes by
Makes me yearn more
Yearn for your touch
Yearn for you smile
Yearn for your laughter
Everywhere i go
I see something
That reminds me of you
It could be as small as a leaf
Or as big as a car
I hate this game
That we are forced to play
But appearances must be kept
Doesn't make it any easier
On you or on me
But soon this will all be behind us
There is so much I
want to share with you here
But mostly....
I just need to be with you
I miss you baby
More than you realize

AI SHITE IMAS!!

Well Wonders Never Cease

  • Mar. 23rd, 2008 at 5:03 AM

To all my sisters out there, whom, after being out of high school for 10 + years (16 for me), and have gotten married and maybe have had a few kids.... one day realize that they can fit back into their senior year prom dress.... (As i found out this past week)... I offer you three cheers.... Huzzah!~ Huzzah!~  Huzzah!~

Setbacks

  • Mar. 20th, 2008 at 11:52 AM

*Deep sigh*   Life fucking sucks.  Just when I think things are moving forward, I get my face slammed down in the snow bank.  I dont not know how many more of these roller coaster emotions i can stand.  Sweetheart, I appologize to you for what your are going through.. i know that I should not blame nor do the sorry thing.. trying my damnedest not too..
I am not going down easy though.  I will go fight for this....  I have to ... I want this more than anything in the world.  we are supposed to be together... I can feel it and this is just another road block that we will jump over... just takes more strength and faith.  I know Goddess will not put anything in front of us that we cant handle.. we just have to find the right path to do so.  the light will come on at some point and we will figure this out. 
to be continued..........

As it goes

  • Mar. 16th, 2008 at 12:05 AM

I find myself pondering many things as I sit here.  I am scared what the future is going to hold for me.  I know that goddess will not put anything infront of me that I can not handle.. but damn... if the shit aint piling up.  I moved in with my mom.  I vowed after i left home at 17 that i would never live with her again.  She is under the impression that I need constant supervision. and that i must be starving to death cause i lost so much weight.  you would think she would be happy for me... actually i think she is jealous of it.
    So my kidneys are failing worse... well aint that a major news flash?!  I havent found a doctor here in NY yet... no car, no insurance, no job, and i dont even get to move into the house for another two weeks.  Fixing to face dialysis... oh yeah... i get to be hooked to amachine like forever.
Speaking of weeks... damn this time is going soo slow till you get here sweetheart... not like you will read this anyway.  But damn... this girl is lonely as hell!!! I know this has been hell on you too ...i cant imagine what you are thinking or feeling.  but you must realize that this is just as hard on me too. 
    ok... i have wallowed in pity enough for tonight

Things that make you smile

  • Jan. 31st, 2008 at 11:37 PM

I just love making people happy.  I think I just threw K into a state of euphoria this week.  I bought him an Electric guitar.  Ok well it is not a new one..... not on my freaking wages.... but it is a vintage Fender strat.  I have not seen him that happy in a long time.   I actually saw him hug it but i think he would deny it.  I would say that he has had a pretty interesting gift receiving season....  I love to see him smile and glow.  He actually had sparks coming off the top of his head the other night. 

Well you enjoy it sweetheart.  Work hard and you will be just as awesome at that as you are at everything else.  and remember, I am and always will be your number one fan.  I L Y

Fire Spinning Blues

  • Dec. 27th, 2007 at 11:12 PM

As being in the dark time of year again, there is not much call for spinning.  Too sad.  There is nothingm ore wonderful than watching these artists create magic with fuel and a hunk of kevlar.  I decided to take mine out tonight to give it a whirl.  Well that sucked.  After a few fireing mishaps, I still dont have what i did this past spring.  I wonder if I will ever get it back.  I miss my teacher and watchinghim create magick.  well here to spring coming so the fire bugs will come out of the shadows of which they are hiding.  maybe one day my standards will be raised along with my spirits.

Changes in Life

  • Dec. 25th, 2007 at 2:42 PM

As the year comes to an end, I sit and reflect on all that has happened this year.  Things were not good for me for the first half of the year. 
There were many good times as well as bad.
Good times:
Renn faire, Duckstock, LaGrange, a new love of my life, Lamas, Ft Lauderdale, My car, and finally my own apt with a wonderful new friend and roommate.... and lets not forget the fifty pounds that I lost this year.
Bad times:
Loss of family, my car, having to leave the arms of the one i love, bouncing from house ot house.
All in all, there were many good times.. espceially towards the end oif this year.  I am sorry to those I have hurt, sorry to those i have left in the dark and kinda ignored, thankful for the ones that stuck by me though all of this, thankful for that certain someone who loves me for me even though I am somewhat of a moron compared to him.  I am thankful to Goddess for the way all has come together this past year.  She has taught me many life lessons and I have learned deeply from them.  
I never thought I would find a love that is so deep and strong and powerful and magickal as the one that I found this year.  Thank you sweetheart for making me smile, blush, glow and become a new person.  You are truly a gift from the powes that be and I hope i am just as much a gift to you as well. ILY!
Every one has been wishes me good and new things in 2008, but i dont know how things can get much better.  :-)